If you’ve ever been in the middle of cooking dinner, answering an email, or finally sitting down for five minutes only to have your child burst in saying this is the worst thing that’s ever happened!—you’re not alone.
Children and teens feel things intensely. To them, nearly everything can feel urgent: the missing pair of sneakers, the wrong brand of chips in their lunch, or the desperate need to find the perfect outfit for the school dance.
Here’s the tricky part: many of the things that are a “big deal” to them aren’t a big deal to us as adults. But that doesn’t mean their feelings aren’t real. In fact, when we minimize or brush them off, we risk teaching them that their emotions don’t matter. At the same time, if we let every meltdown dictate the family’s to-do list, life becomes chaotic very quickly.
So how do you balance hearing their urgency without giving in to every emotional storm?
Pause Before You React
As parents, it’s our job to pause and assess the urgency ourselves. Your child’s meltdown does not have to become your meltdown. Just because they are spiraling emotionally doesn’t mean you have to jump into the spiral with them. Ask yourself:
- Is this truly urgent?
- Does it need to be handled now, or can it wait?
- How does this fit into everything else on my plate today?
Validate Without Minimizing
Validation doesn’t mean agreeing. It means letting your child know you hear them and understand how big it feels in their world.
Instead of:
- “It’s not a big deal, stop overreacting.”
Try:
- “I can see how important this dance is to you. It makes sense you’d want to feel good about your outfit.”
Balance With Compromise
Once you’ve acknowledged their feelings, set the boundary:
- “We can go shopping for your outfit this weekend, but tonight you need to finish your homework and chores.”
- “I know you’re upset about forgetting your lunch. I can’t leave work right now, but you’ll eat as soon as you get home. Let’s plan a system so this doesn’t happen tomorrow.”
You’re modeling two key life lessons:
- Feelings are valid.
- Responsibilities still matter.
Keep Yourself Regulated
This is the hardest part. When our kids are melting down, our nervous systems often get triggered too. But remember: you are the constant teacher of emotional regulation in your home. If you can breathe, stay calm, and respond instead of react, you’re showing them the skill they most need to learn—how to manage big feelings without letting them take over.
Quick Tips for Staying Balanced:
- Take one deep breath before responding.
- Use a calm voice even when they’re yelling.
- Acknowledge their feelings first, then redirect to the boundary.
- Remind yourself: their urgency doesn’t have to control my response.
Final Thought
Raising kids means constantly living in a world where “everything is urgent” to them. It’s exhausting at times. But with validation, compromise, and your own steady regulation, you can guide your child through the storm while keeping your family grounded.
They’ll learn, over time, that while life isn’t always urgent, their feelings will always be heard.