One of the most important lessons I try to share with parents is this: your children are always listening. Even when you think they are busy playing in the other room, even when they’re pretending not to notice—they are tuned in. And what they overhear you say about them shapes how they see themselves.
I have very clear memories from my own childhood of hearing my parents talk to other adults—friends, aunts, uncles. What stands out to me most is that I only ever heard them speak positively about me. They would share that I was doing well in school, or that I finally made a basket during my basketball game, or that they were proud of me for something small I had accomplished.
What I don’t recall—ever—is overhearing them talk negatively about me. I can’t remember hearing phrases like, “she can be such a brat sometimes” or “she never listens.” And believe me, I wasn’t perfect. I was a normal kid who certainly had my fair share of moments. But my parents gave me an incredible gift: they made sure that what I overheard about myself was good.
I’d guess my siblings would say the same. We didn’t hear our parents running us down to others. The frustrations, the worries, the challenges—those were handled privately, away from little ears.
This mattered. Growing up, I had a quiet but steady sense that my parents believed in me, that they saw the best in me, and that they wanted others to know those good things too. That confidence was reinforced not because they said those positive words directly to me (though they did that as well), but because I overheard them speaking proudly about me when they didn’t know I was listening.
That’s the piece many parents overlook: the things you say about your child to other adults often matter just as much—if not more—than what you say directly to them. When a child overhears you, it feels unfiltered, like a window into what you really think.
So, here’s the encouragement:
- Save the venting and problem-solving for private, trusted spaces—behind closed doors, with a spouse, a close friend, or a professional.
- In front of your children, or when they might overhear, speak the positives. Share the small victories. Point out their kindness, their humor, their determination, their progress.
You don’t have to exaggerate or sugarcoat. Children don’t need perfection, but they do need to know that the people who love them most see their strengths and believe in them.
That is a powerful and lasting gift you can give your child.